Goodbye my lover
by MillaMayhem
Summary: Olivia's losing a piece of herself everyday without her angel  *songfic*


**A/N: Just a short A/O oneshot-songfic set when Alex was taken into witness protection. I am aware that James Blunt wrote the song when his wife died but I feel that the feeling of loss it conveys is very fitting to how Olivia could have felt had they been in a relationship.**

***DISCLAIMER***

**I do not own James Blunt's song: Goodbye my lover, nor do I own any of the L&O:SVU characters and/or themes.**

**...**

_Did I disappoint you or let you down?  
>Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?<br>'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,  
>Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.<br>So I took what's mine by eternal right.  
>Took your soul out into the night.<br>It may be over but it won't stop there,  
>I am here for you if you'd only care.<br>You touched my heart you touched my soul.  
>You changed my life and all my goals.<br>And love is blind and that I knew when,  
>My heart was blinded by you.<br>I've kissed your lips and held your hand.  
>Shared your dreams and shared your bed.<br>I know you well, I know your smell.  
>I've been addicted to you.<em>

**...**

She changed me. My life, ambitions, thought pattern and heart. She changed them all. At first it was gradual, then suddenly I was me. A _better_ me. Now, she's gone, I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to say... She was everything I wanted and needed. What did I do to deserve this? What did _she_? Was it because I took sips out of Elliot's coffee when he wasn't looking? Did I say something to hurt someone? Did I lock up someone innocent? Did I hurt her? No. I did everything I could. Then why do I feel so hollow? Why does this feel like my fault? Why did I have to lose her...?

...  
><em>Goodbye my lover.<br>Goodbye my friend.  
>You have been the one.<br>You have been the one for me._

_Goodbye my lover.  
>Goodbye my friend.<br>You have been the one.  
>You have been the one for me.<em>

...

I carry on as normally as possible, I hold my head high. I'm being watched and I know it, I don't care. I visit her grave. I tell myself it's to keep up appearances but I know that it's long past that. Sometimes I see her mother there. I've almost let it slip. The fact that she's alive. Then I hold my tongue. As much as it hurts to know that someone's dead and never coming back, it hurts more to know they're alive and without you.

...  
><em>I am a dreamer and when I wake,<br>You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.  
>And as you move on, remember me,<br>Remember us and all we used to be  
>I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.<br>I've watched you sleeping for a while.  
>I'd be the father of your child.<br>I'd spend a lifetime with you.  
>I know your fears and you know mine.<br>We've had our doubts but now we're fine,  
>And I love you, I swear that's true.<br>I cannot live without you._  
>...<p>

I awake with tears in my eyes and a scream on the tip of my tongue. I hold it back and instead turn to where she should be. As much as I want to sleep there and feel her presence, I can't. It would feel like I was lying on her, crushing her, taking away her air... Does it feel like that? That's what it feels lik for me. It's like someones taken my air and replaced it with poison, like my hearts been ripped out and replaced with a bloodless shell. Everything reminds me of you. Your golden hair, your baby blues, your gorgeous smile. I can't live without you.

...  
><em>Goodbye my lover.<br>Goodbye my friend.  
>You have been the one.<br>You have been the one for me._  
><em>Goodbye my lover.<br>Goodbye my friend.  
>You have been the one.<br>You have been the one for me._  
>...<p>

I'm filled with sleepless nights in her absence. I'm used to holding her small frame in mine, but now it's gone. I find myself staring in the mirror waiting for her to appear behind me demanding me to let her get ready for work, when she doesn't I cry. I open the cabinet and look at the dishevelled mess it's become in her absence. Her perfume is still in its place. Sometimes I come close to spraying it but then, just like that I put it back in its shelf and walk away. Why? Because it's hers and when she come back she'll want it. It would be selfish of me to take away some of her normalcy like that. When she gets back she'll surely want everything just the way it was. I know I will.

...

_And I still hold your hand in mine.  
>In mine when I'm asleep.<br>And I will bear my soul in time,  
>When I'm kneeling at your feet.<em>  
>...<p>

Another nightmare wakes me but this time the scream cannot be contained, My body is convulsing on the bed halfway between sleep and reality. Finally I let out a shattering sob before it's over. I stare at the roof. I can't even see a hand in front of my face. Pure blackness. That's what it's like for me inside. Without her I'm lost and alone. Then suddenly I hear her. A whisper in my head. A tiny, frail whisper so quiet I'm hardly even sure I'm imagining it. I turn to where she used to sleep beside me and suddenly in the darkness of night I swear I can see her. Her soft alabaster skin glowing lightly in the moons light and her soft golden hair splayed over her face. I feel the tears in my eyes but angrily brush them away. I know that she's not there but even so, nothing can obstruct my vision of her. This moment is too precious. Then without thinking I try to blink the tears away. When I open my eye's she's gone. For a moment I am silent. Then suddenly a sound, a sound so shrill and broken I'm not even sure I heard it. I realise later that this sound came from me. I blink over and over trying to summon her back to me but she's gone. She was never there at all. Aimlessly I reach out for her. I feel her. Her soft fingers intertwined in my own. I know it's just my mind playing trick with me again but for the moment that's okay.

...  
><em>Goodbye my lover.<br>Goodbye my friend.  
>You have been the one.<br>You have been the one for me._  
><em>Goodbye my lover.<br>Goodbye my friend.  
>You have been the one.<br>You have been the one for me._  
>...<p>

The next morning I drive. At first in locationless circles just trying to subside the pain and then... A flower shop. I stop the car and pay the woman $20 for a bunch of Red roses and another $10 for golden daffodils.

...  
><em>I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.<br>I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow._

_I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
>I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.<em>

...

I place the flowers at her grave and sit. Just sit. My mind wanders to a time when we were together and I feel my heart beat faster. I feel myself there again. Then suddenly it's gone. I can't deny that she's slipping from my mind. I do nothing but think of her yet everything is becoming blurry and fake, I'm not sure how much longer until there'll be nothing to cling to. When that time comes I can only hope she'll be there to fill me up again.

My gorgeous angel, my _Alex_...


End file.
